ALL THE NEWS THAT’S (UN)FIT TO PRINT. We were a bit perplexed the other day – even more so than on a normal day… you see, one of our fellow Belly Achers came into the office singing. It was a bit out of the ordinary even for him and it has to be said, he’s really not very good at it, but we could make out that he was singing a song by 1970’s British rock band, Queen.
Bicycle bicycle bicycle/ I want to ride my/ bicycle bicycle bicycle/ I want to ride my bicycle… 
After much probing as to what exactly was going on in our dear colleagues demented head, we were directed to an online news report about an even more demented man in Japan.
The man in question, a 35-yearold Yokohama resident named Joji Kondo, was arrested in August after a security camera caught him committing an early morning robbery of three bicycle seats from a neighbourhood apartment complex.
After authorities raided Kondo’s house, they found another 200 seats, all of which had an estimated total value of over a million yen (almost US$10,000). Police reports and Japanese media suggested that Kondo may have been stealing bicycle seats since January 2012.
Ok. So here’s where it gets really weird and to be fair, we need to issue a *WARNING* for those of a sensitive demeanor who are easily offended by… well, umm… topics of a salacious, risqué, or otherwise lewd nature. If you are one of these people – PLEASE STOP READING THIS. Don’t say we didn’t warn you, ok?
Interviews with the seat thief revealed that his odd crime spree was inspired by a desire to… wait for it… “sniff the lingering scent of women.” Oh dear, it’s all going downhill now! “I like the smell and the texture of [leather bicycle seats],” Kondo told authorities. “I lick and smell them.” What!?! Lick and smell…!?! Wahahahah, this part always gets the Belly Achers laughing so hard we end up rolling around on the ground like inebriated dodo birds!
Oh, and it gets even better – Kondo actually claims that he has an especially advanced sense of smell and can tewhether a man or a woman had sat in a particular bicycle seat. Kondo told authorities that leather seats were best for preserving scents. Yeah, ok thank you for that Mr Kondo – too much information! Media reports have not yet indicated what sort of repercussion Kondo faces for his crime, but images of his stolen bicycle seat collection went viral and were widely shared by Japanese Twitter users, who largely called the man’s behavior “perverted” and “unimaginable.” Ya think!?!
To sum up, we reckon our dear Belly Ache colleague got it wrong. It wasn’t Bicycle Race he should have been singing, but rather, Fat Bottomed Girls, as that song from the Queen album of the same name, is famous for its rather racy image on the front cover – which does indeed relate to bicycles and *ahem* potentially this particular anecdote! Ok, enough said.
