Oops, we did it again! This week’s belly ache is brought to you courtesy of the Somalian Captain Jack Sparrow and his duet partner Britney Spears.
And it’s an item that should help, if not only to bring a little cheer to the hearts and minds of the air cargo world, then at least to highlight that the ocean side of the cargo business also has its unique problems!
It seems that some supertanker operators have come up with a rather novel plan for combating the rampant piracy problem off the coast of Somalia.
You see, after intensive research they have discovered something the rest of us – well certainly those of us with taste (read: The Belly Achers) – have known for a very long time… that Britney Spears’ songs are extraordinarily revolting. But more importantly, these astute researchers have crafted this aural nausea into what has turned out to be a very effective weapon against the Somali pirates!
Apparently by playing such classics as, ‘Oops! I Did it Again’ and ‘Baby One More Time’ at full volume from speakers mounted on the sides of the ship, the pirates – aside from spewing their lunch over the side of their pirate skiffs, turn tail and head back to shore in a wave of nauseous fear. Ahh, Mickey Mouse would be so proud of you Britts! It’s also kind of ironic because hey, let’s face it, there are at least a couple of things in common between the Purveyor of Putrid Pop and the Pirates of Somali Penzance – they both love money and they both like to get high!
So the theory being put forth as to how this actually works, is rather simple: The Somali pirates hate Western culture – as epitomised by our former Mouseketeer – so much so that they just can’t do enough to get away from her voice. A merchant navy officer was quoted in a UK publication as saying: “Her songs were chosen by the security team accompanying our tankers because they thought the pirates would hate them the most. These guys can’t stand Western culture or music, making Britney’s hits perfect.
As soon as the pirates get a blast of Britney they move on as quickly as they can,” he added. A spokesman from the Security Association for the Maritime Industry added: “Pirates will go to any lengths to avoid of try to overcome the music.”
Ok, now really do they think we’re that stupid? If these pirates hate Western culture so much, wouldn’t playing Western pop music at full volume be a bit like waving a red flag in front of a bull. I mean let’s face it, these guys are on a mission, probably high on drugs and hey, guess what, they’re armed to the teeth – AK47s and AKMs (newer Kalashnikovs), RPG- 7s (rocket propelled grenades), hand grenades and semiautomatic pistols – so really, they’re just gonna turn their boats around and head back to shore because of a dose (nausea inducing as it may be) of Britts?
Nawwww, we don’t buy that for a minute! You see what these security people are not telling us, is the music really has nothing to do with piracy repelling. It’s actually all in the technology – and that technology is a sonic weapon known as a Long Range Acoustic Device, or LRAD. This device sends out a high intensity pain inducing noise, at a level of about 160dBs, which is far beyond a human’s pain threshold. We’re not quite sure why the maritime security guys are being so coy about this, after all, the technology has been in use by police forces, military and even the cruise ship industry for a number of years. One of the Belly Achers was fortunate(?) enough to get a demonstration in Singapore back a few years ago and he asserts that it is indeed quite effective at stopping you in your tracks! His hearing has never been quite the same after that, however. Sadly the tech reality kinda ruins a good story! But who knows, maybe they are indeed using dear Britney’s songs with the LRAD – certainly that would be a lethal combination! But as usual, the Belly Ache gang has a better suggestion! If they really want to ramp up the revolting scale, why stop at Britney? Heck just go all the way for the complete gag factor and pump out Justin Bieber at 160dBs… whoa… I don’t know about you but just thinking about hearing ‘Baby, Baby’ at that volume (or any volume for that matter), makes our gag reflex swing into action and our ears bleed!
Baby, baby, baby, oh Like baby, baby, baby, no   Like baby, baby, baby, oh I thought you’d always be mine, mine
Ewwwhhh, now we’re feeling positively sick….looks like the entire Belly Ache team is going off on sick-leave for the rest of the day (really Boss, we didn’t plan it this way!). But just before we go some parting wisdom… NOT that we’re trying to aid the pirates in any way (oh oh, I can see beads of sweat forming on our lawyer’s forehead already), but it occurs to us that the solution for the pirates is a rather simple one and since they’re pretty tech savvy, ordering shouldn’t be a problem… …only US$10.49 from Amazon (one more piece of advice for the pirates if you’re reading this… you might want to avoid shipping by sea… your order may never arrive, for some strange reason).
