The Belly Achers are … proud… well something like that, to bring the result of a late night conversation in far away place – and no, this isn’t about pillow talk – with one of the Belly Achers’ favourite drinking buddies, err,
ummh, ahhh…. we mean ‘sources’.
It was like this… wiTha chilled ‘beverage’ in our hands we were rambling off on pretty much everything under the moon including who might make a good replacement for Tony Tyler as head of IATA. Not so
high on the cargo agenda, but lets face it, the global airline body is loved, hated, adored and despised all in the same breaThby many diff erent people for many different reasons. ‘Just don’t mention the CASS!’ Sorry,
we couldn’t help ourselves wiThthat little Fawlty Towers-ism.
Although there is a far greater impact on the passenger side of the business, the top dawg at IATA clearly does have an impact on the organisation’s outlook – even all the
way down to the cargo part of the biz. We’re sure most in the industry haven’t forgotten the hyperactive, enigmatic, Mussolinilike individual that used to occupy that job sometime before Tony
T sashayed in, ensconced in the scent of Swire cologne – just to give you one little example (you see what we did there yeah?).
Anyway, we’ll stop talking because somebody else is way more humourous when he opens his gob trap. Here’s some food for thought should Ryanair’s present CEO, Michael O’Leary were to
become IATA director general and CEO… oh what fun! 21 O’Leary-isms*
1 “If drink sales are falling off , we get the pilots to engineer a bit of turbulence. That usually spikes sales.”
2 On passengers who forget to print their boarding passes: “We think they should pay €60 for being so stupid.”
3 “Do we carry rich people on our fl ights? Yes, I fl ew on one this morning and I’m very rich.”
4 To a Ryanair employee who dared to join the Twitter Q&A: “Get back to work you slacker or you’re fi red.”
5 Opening a press conference to announce Ryanair’s annual results: “I’m here wiThHoward Millar and Michael Cawley, our two deputy chief executives. But they’re presently making love in the gentleman’s toilets, such is their excitement at today’s results.”
6 On why his bride arrived 35 minutes late for their wedding: “She’s coming here wiThAer Lingus.”
7 “You’re not getting a refund so f*** off . We don’t want to hear your sob stories. What part of ‘no refund’ don’t you understand?”
8 “Screw the travel agents. Take the f***ers out and shoot them. What have they done for passengers over the years?”
9 “The most infl uential person in Europe in the last 20 to 30 years has been Margaret Thatcher. Without her we’d all be living
in some French bloody unemployed republic.”
10 “We want to annoy the f***ers whenever we can. The best thing you can do wiThenvironmentalists is shoot them. These
headbangers want to make air travel the preserve of the rich. They are luddites marching us back to the 18Thcentury. If
preserving the environment means stopping poor people fl ying so the rich can fl y, then screw it.”
11 On the British Airways/Iberia merger: “It reminds me of two drunks leaning on each other.”
12 “MBA students come out with: ‘My staff is my most important asset.’ Bullshit. Staff is usually your biggest cost. We all employ
some lazy bastards who needs a kick up the backside, but no one can bring themselves to admit it.”
13 His response to the fi rst questioner, a woman, during a live Twitter Q&A: “Nice pic. Phwoaaarr! MOL”
14 “All fl ights are fuelled wiThLeprechaun wee and my bullshit!”
15 “If global warming meant temperatures rose by one or two degrees, France would become a desert, which would be no bad
thing. The Scots would grow wine and make buff alo mozzarella.”
16 “I’m Europe’s most underpaid and underappreciated boss. I’m paid about 20 times more than the average Ryanair employee
and I think the gap should be wider.”
17 “The airline industry is full of bullshitters, liars and drunks. We excel at all three in Ireland.”
18 “People either see me as Jesus, Superman or an odious little shit. I think I’m Jesus. A prophet in his own time.
19 “Ryanair’s biggest achievement? Bringing low fares to Europe and still lowering ‘em. Biggest failure? Hiring me.”
20 “I should get the Nobel peace prize – screw Bono.”
21 “Nobody wants to sit beside a really fat bastard on board. We have been frankly astonished at the number of customers who
not only want to tax fat people but torture them.”
* Apologies to the Guardian newspaper, we’re just borrowing – we’ll return the quotes to you in a couple of weeks.
